January & February
School and school and more school.
But, like that's what I should be doing.
The quarter is beginning to wind down and we're already two months into 2017. I was talking to a friend about our aspirations for 2017 and while this time seems to be stupid, we had agreed 2017 was the year of doing - the year of action - when things finally came together. Take undergraduate graduation as an example; three and a half years of work ending in a few short months. 2017 is preparation and right now is the time to embrace these little decisions and steps. AND now I’ll transition into my goals for this year:
8 hours of sleep // It’s honestly such a struggle. I am well aware of how vital sleep is to my health and well-being, but in this moment of time 7 hours will just have to do. I had a pretty good streak going a week ago where I slept more than 8 hours for four consecutive days, but that was because I was sick. I’ll get there…eventually.
Minimize // This goal has been going well. I’ve cleaned out and thrown away the unnecessary objects in my desk drawers as well as rummaging through my clothes and deciding which ones I actually wear. I think I’ll have to do two more phases with the clothes to really do a proper deep clean, but baby steps.
Quality content for this blog // Because of school, I haven’t been doing much nor writing aka the lack of posts thus far. I’ve been attempting to learn how to use Lightroom which is great and focusing my photo content. However, it takes me FOREVER. I’ve got to improve my work flow and organization because it looks like my desktop exploded with images.
Monthly budgets // This one is going okay too! I’ve been using an app called Mint which syncs up my transactions and tracks my spending. I periodically check and see where I am at for the month. I highly recommend, especially if you’re horrible at budgeting. The next step is to be proactively saving and allocate more money to savings or fun spending (how about a little of both).
Explore career options // I've been scrolling through LinkedIn here and there and finding random jobs. One of my new goals in life is to attain the title of Grand Ice Cream Master at a company like Dreyers. These masters are professional ice cream taste testers and most have a background in the sciences! How cool would that be?! My main issue here is that I want to do so many different things. Decisions, decisions…
Attend a music festival // Yeah this goal looks unfortunately bleak. The original (lofty) plan was to go to Weekend 1 of Coachella because I'd be ridiculous enough to think that's a great idea. The feasible plan was to go to Sasquatch here in Washington, but in all honestly the lineup is weak and I'm not willing to spend $300+ for a lackluster set. So, we'll see. There's a bunch throughout the summer, but my plans are completely up in the air so we'll see if I can swing Outside Lands or Lollapalooza.
On that bleak note, I realized that January and February have been kind of mediocre. Maybe that’s my senioritis kicking in or the melancholy gray winter or the strange start to 2017, but everything has been lacking, even music (there’s nothing new to listen to, if you have a rad artist send them my way because I’m over the music I’ve been listening to on repeat). Life feels stagnant, but time is FLYING. It needs to check itself and slow down.
I feel oversaturated with to do’s and then frustrated when I complete one item to only have three more pop up just like a mythological hydra. I feel under stimulated in some parts of school and creatively. It's not been all that bad, just boring and disappointing. The weather has been less than ideal, making going outside a feat and prompting me to watch more videos and spend time at home. Casey Neistat, a youtuber, was set to give a talk at UW and got canceled. I tried to use my film camera and the first roll was a complete waste, not producing any images, simply blank negatives. I don’t want this to sound like I’m complaining, but these things all happened and yeah that sucked a bit; these little loses have been taking their toll.
But, I’ve gotten to watch movies and spend time with my roommates and decluttering my room was oddly therapeutic. The film camera works (thank god) and I got some cool shots in San Francisco that I’m proud of. I also went to San Francisco and the Washington Coast, both were gorgeous (you’ll probably see posts for those in the next few weeks). On the note of travel, I’ve been attempting to throw post-graduation travel plans together and hammer out details for spring break. I started reading for pleasure like before I go to bed or when I’m riding public transportation instead of aimlessly scrolling through my phone, which I’ve quite enjoyed. Oh! I’ve been watching more Ted Talks too; they're a nice way to take a break and do something productive and they’re only 20 minutes max. These have been my favorites.
As I was writing this, I noticed that I had a few other unpublished ideas that had popped up over the past two months. And in my opinion (because this is my blog haha) these are interesting ideas and all tie together. They all revolve around growth and in some ways fear. Who knows if I’ll end up fully fleshing out these ideas, but this is what I had thus far.
[adulthood is hard]
One moment you think you've figured it all out and then life throws 7 curve balls at the same time and you're three steps back from where you just were.
All you want to do is go out with friends and grab drinks and eat out at that nice restaurant or sit at home and dive deep into the realms of the internet wherever they may take you.
I want to spend my time right now hiking and shopping in the cute little Seattle neighborhoods and take it all in. But this is only a taste of what adult life actually is, this is only an aspect to the great scheme of things.
School seems to be the enemy but it fills those empty hours of the day.
[how to mend a broken heart]
I think I was planning on posting this post Valentine’s Day. It feels like a lot of my friends and I have been seeking out a relationship, and all failing.
Personally, I want a relationship not for the sake of having one, but to spend and share time with someone special. Friends can only fill that void to a degree. It’s also hard to watch your cute couple friends and think what is wrong with me? Why don’t I have a boyfriend? And then of course, it spirals out of control and your mind takes you to places where you ask yourself why you’re not pretty enough to be his girlfriend and then cry yourself to sleep (been there a few times unfortunately). I digress.
Wallow. Gilmore Girls stated it the best, you’ve gotta wallow a bit and take some time to be sad. Crying and being sad doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means this person meant a great deal to you.
Okay, obviously there are a few more steps I would take, but this is as far as my ideas got.
A stream of consciousness…
It sort of feels like you're stuck and everyone is moving forward while you move backwards. I'm finally getting comfortable with balancing school/work/health/friends/hiking, but it's always as if I’m playing catch up. I see people getting dream jobs and here I am with no direction or even a clue as to what to do. Sometimes I just want to scream (and I do, just when no one is around).
I don't necessarily have a goal in mind which is the most frustrating part. I have ideas, and ideas can be cultivated into goals, but things keep ruminating and nothing is sticking. AND THAT’S THE PROBLEM.I have these ideas orchestrated in my head and I'm searching for the perfect little gift wrapped box fulfilling my desired list, each item checked off and I'll love this job until I retire.
At the end of last quarter, there was a moment where I thought to myself, "my life is a joke, I feel like a joke". I don't know why I thought that. Well, that's a lie I do. I just always thought I'd be in a different position. That’s life I suppose. But sometimes it can be radically disappointing. Seeing yourself in a different light and thinking, where did it all go wrong? There's not one defining moment where it all went to shit, but rather the culmination of a few decisions building up and up to now and instead of realizing them while they were happening, they all converged on the one moment when you decide to judge yourself and make yourself feel shitty.
I question the loss of drive and motivation in my life; am I not enjoying what I'm doing? am I simply burnt out? And being true and honest with yourself is probably the most ridiculously difficult things to do. Is this what I truly want? Am I making strides to my goals?
I know how privileged I am and how ridiculous this whole thing is. I recognize that.
Scared I’ll make the wrong decision and must start all over. Scared I’m going to not be reaching my full potential. Scared I’m going to find the “perfect thing” and I’m going to hate it. Scared that I’ll never get to where I want to be. Scared I’ll never have a boyfriend. Scared to potentially move away from Seattle and start all over again in a new place. Scared I’ll never get in shape.
Scared because I have no clue on where to start.
Reading this back, I know I was angry when I was writing this. And I thought it was frustration, but it was fear wearing it as a mask.
I found this lovely post on Darling magazine’s website
Breakdowns reveal who is truly there for you, and this can be your best friend or a complete stranger. The people who love and care will be there no matter what.
One the most difficult times I’ve had (and probably the biggest breakdown) happened during Spring Quarter 2015. I was so unhappy and dismal. I rediscovered a letter my mom had written me.
“I was thinking about your struggles. What is the worst that can happen if you don't do well? You pickyourself back up and keep trying. You're young and still trying to figure it out. Life is trial and error, and while you may feel like you are the only one going through this, believe me, there are many others feeling the same way. Like I said though, if it's not working, change it up.”
[step out of your comfort zone]
This was going to be inspired by this Darling magazine post. The worst thing you can do is stay in your comfort zone and not make ANY decision.
But yeah, that’s where I’m currently at. I’m kind of in limbo. This post also turned into a weird diary entry of self-reflection and contemplation, but a good marker of my random thoughts and a feeble attempt to organize them. That’s that and me being all vulnerable. Now I’m going to go eat some Molly Moon’s Ice Cream and try to make life a little more interesting.