2020 / 2021
This whole post is essentially an elegy. A mourning of what 2020 could have been. Maybe you’ll identify with something I wrote. Maybe you’ll disagree. Maybe you’ll cry. Maybe you’ll laugh. Maybe you’re wondering how you even ended up on this post. Whatever it is, thanks for being here and reading.
2020 wasn’t bad as the media portrayed it. It was extremely challenging and difficult (for most of you probably reading this), but all things considered, I think most of us didn’t have to overcome jarring obstacles like others we may know. I’m fine, but fine is not the right word to summarize a year quite like this (using fine also undermines the specificity of the English language). The year stirred up the cruelest cocktail of emotions, creating a bleak, volatile landscape, and we were all forced to confront it without the distractions that make life tolerable. In some perverted ways, it was necessary. This reflection isn’t a resounding “wow, oh my god”, it’s more of a complete sigh of relief.
January came and I was still riding the general high of a great 2019, though soured by a dark December and a complete mental spiral, eager to make 2020 incredible, especially after a New Year’s cabin retreat. I chose to not travel for January because I had essentially been living out of my suitcase for the past three months, being in new places every 3-7 days. Why the fuck did I think staying in SEATTLE for all of JANUARY was the right plan? Pro tip: do not do that if you live in a dreary place that receives little sunlight; book something to look forward to. January dragged and turned into this ball of bleh. I felt defeated and discouraged by it not being anywhere near what 2019 was. If the month were to be reduced to one word, it would be jaded. Jaded in January, how poetic.
Things began to turn around in February as I made the conscious decision that I didn’t want to live like “this” anymore. “This” being an acceptance of mediocrity. Collectively in my social circles, we had been slugging along; someone just needed a WIN. It seemed as if all of us were floating in limbo, grasping at absolutely anything stable; a sign, or sense of direction. A long-awaited trip to Europe to visit Patty felt like the turning point I personally needed. Despite the cold weather and impromptu layover in London for a night, Europe was grand and a welcome change of pace. We pranced around Hamburg, Berlin, and Vienna taking in the sights and history and culture just as the pandemic was escalating and Italy closed its borders.
Plans were coming to fruition when I returned to Seattle in March: a launch party, concert schedules being released, birthday’s to be celebrated, and people to see. I proceeded to set plans and check off goals while continuing to cross off destinations on my 2020 itinerary with a trip to Texas. I look back at that decision and think, what would I have done with what I know now? Hindsight is 2020. At the time, I rationalized that I had already paid for the flight, had never been to Texas, and would only be a few days. Little did I know that that would be my last proper weekend out and about without restrictions. Then the world stopped and we went into a national lockdown. Since the virus was circulating in Washington, I thought I’d be stuck in Texas. When I arrived home, Hailee and I made a trip to Trader Joe’s where the shelves were devoid of grains and nonperishables, and we remarked how some people with masks were overreacting. This whole thing would surely blow over in a few weeks. The naivety is humorous.
Quarantine. March felt like the longest month. Molly, Hailee, and I took daily quarantine polaroid photos and we had to resort to tape in order to hang them all on the fridge. Life was just on pause with fear of the unknown hanging in the air and settling between the six feet that separated us. An onslaught of buzzwords entered mainstream media: flatten the curve, unprecedented times, alone together and were on repeat like a broken record. I found salvation in daily walks and sitting in the quiet, empty parks on a sunny day. The big outing for the week was the grocery store. We appeared to be united - for a brief moment - over the ridiculous saga of Tiger King, banana bread, tie-dye, and whipped coffee from TikTok. How absurd. I found more refuge in participating in Dance Church over zoom, scouring for new music, writing letters, playing Catan, and embarking on maiden voyages into learning new skills (I, unfortunately, killed the sourdough starter Lauren gave me in an attempt to make bread) all paired with the ever-present proclivity to scroll senselessly through the throngs of daily news updates and statistics.
Still, the quiet streets screamed the actual severity of our reality. In the early days, whenever I’d hear ambulance sirens, I morbidly assumed they’re picking up a COVID patient. That’s messed up. Seeking some sort of outside human interaction, I reveled in the weekly conversation with the cashier at the grocery store. In the beginning, I was inundated by virtual happy hours, birthday zooms, and catch up facetimes. Don’t get me wrong, the power of technology has been paramount, but the increase in screen time was grueling. It served as a constant reminder that we were separated by a screen, unable to physically see people. A switch to grabbing your wallet, keys, and mask on your way out the door. I never realized how important mouths are. Earlobes strained by elastic and eyes searching for a reason as to why this is all happening. Even airports were prioritizing an invisible pestilence over terrorism. It all felt twisted.
Then it felt like the world stopped again in May with the death of George Floyd. People were aghast despite the Black community’s constant advocacy for this very issue. Maybe I’m wrong in saying this, but I honestly don’t think the Black Lives Matter movement would be where it is today without the pandemic. The deaths of Ahmaud and Breonna would most likely be swept under the rug and never picked up by the media. George’s most likely would have made national news because of the bystander video. Those are stories that were highly publicized - there’s sadly hundreds more. That’s so fucked up. The protests popped up across the nation. I had to come to terms with my own biases which were uncomfortable because I didn’t exactly know what the hell to do, and it felt wrong to do nothing. Things like sharing a black square felt sort of right, and as we know now, were clearly misguided. There were TONS of performative actions going on, myself included. Doing things with good intentions isn’t enough. Real change only comes through education, action, and policy. Racial disparities, biases, and injustices are unfortunately prevalent and integrated into the systems of the U.S. please move forward with this in mind and take time to educate yourself and/or donate to causes actively trying to reverse these systems.
In June, King County shifted into Phase 2 which felt like a big win. Nay, it was monumental as local businesses were allowed to reopen in a limited capacity. The highlight of 2020 for me would probably have to be the hot tub boat. Cruising around Lake Union at sunset was the first time I felt spontaneous fun in a while. In an attempt to salvage summer, we dined in parks and on patios, gathered at a distance for bonfires, and danced in backyards. We were somehow blessed with decent Seattle weather, a small consolation to the present situation. I had a COVID scare which turned out to be strep (classic me). Since it was okay to see people outside of your house again, under the right circumstances, we attempted to see people who we had not seen in 3+ months which came with its own set of challenges. Assuming the benefit of the doubt, everyone was doing what they believed to be correct. Dining out at a restaurant, allowing someone inside your home, asking what people were comfortable with was new territory. All of that ultimately lead to people judging each other. Physical distance, moral obligations, guideline interpretations revealed how frayed some relationships had become. A true test of social resilience was challenging who is right or what is right, and no one likes to be told that they’re wrong - resulting in the polarized landscape we see today in our personal lives and society. I was forced to take stock of the people I chose to surround myself with and truly weigh whether it was worth it to see them or not.
As the summer wound down, we had a proper send-off for Hailee as she embarked on her journey to Luxembourg. The ensuing 24 hours were another highlight of the year and absolutely wild consisting of hiking at sunrise, boozing it up at the zoo, and dining at King’s Hardware one final time (where I somehow managed to blackout). I moved in a pandemic which is something I’d never thought I would utter. I will just say, I have great friends who I do not deserve. They rallied behind me on moving day and made it nearly seamless…my inability to pack was the hold-up. I will never forget Lauren opening my kitchen cabinet and exclaiming “G R E T A”; it was one part incredulous and one part disappointed. She packed nearly my whole kitchen for me as I scrambled around. Again, friends I don’t deserve.
I settled into my new place and indulged in my new neighborhood haunts. However, nothing sacred lasts forever and summer ended with the west erupting into flames. Campfire smell enveloped the air and the sky was so hazy it obscured the city skyline. The burning was a somber reminder of the current state of the world and how reliant we were on the outside. Now we were truly forced to stay home. The honeymoon phase of my new spot ended shortly after move-in when issue after issue came up, and I felt like I was contacting my property manager every other day and losing my mind since I pay a pretty penny to dwell there.
The last three months of 2020 managed to be a blur. I was able to go to Tahoe & San Francisco and back to Colorado for the holidays. I had a week from hell with problem after problem which was highly unnecessary. I screamed up at the sky asking God what I had done wrong. There was mounting anxiety with the approaching election and losing all hope after the first presidential debate where I was attempting to drink myself into a stupor to get through it. The election was the impending doom of November. November was unique in that it harbored the true great conjunction: the merging of omnipresent depression with seasonal depression, existential dread, pandemic exhaustion, and election anxiety.
The year finished up with the stark reminder of the raging pandemic but coupled with a sign of hope with the authorization of vaccines. The final treat of 2020 was my mom getting COVID (she’s okay and all recovered!). But, my god, good riddance!
I had such a difficult time organizing this because there are a plethora of intricacies and themes that weave into one another. Ultimately, the defining facet of the year is COVID-19. It brought illness and death, but also loneliness, fear, confusion, divisiveness, loss, isolation, unknown. We, by no means, have all the tools necessary and available that are required to cope. Given the political climate and how society functions, basic needs were catalyzed as platform points, further polarizing any semblance of leadership and creating widespread volatility. I had to constantly remind myself it’s everyone’s first pandemic, a lighthearted qualifier that allowed me to have more grace for situations and people.
I found myself asking, why is this happening? 2020 was supposed to be filled with splendor. I had so many plans! I’m not happy, I’m not sad either - I’m mourning what never was. My expectations are ultimately what hurt me most this year. I sound like Veruca Salt, and that’s because I sort of am. I’m a semi-well-to-do woman who fortunately has a job and health insurance, with a buffer and fallback if things don’t quite work out. I’m not apart of a marginalized community, searching for ways to make rent or put food on the table. My mental health suffered and that’s about it. For that, I’m grateful, and I know it comes with a certain level of privilege. I’m not minimizing my own tribulations, but there are far more people out there dealing with unimaginable struggles. I feel guilty complaining about some of these things because most of them don’t matter. It’s nothing compared to the loss of human life.
With that in mind, I held the constant disbelief that this is actually happening which only made it more difficult to accept the present situation. I needed to adapt because it wasn’t going away. I was reluctant to shift my mentality because I really liked where I was at (2019 version of Greta; 2020 version of Greta pre-pandemic was a little shaky to start hahaha). Thinking back to my general feelings, it was underestimation, boredom, complacency, and I was a bit factious, maybe as a way to cope. Once I finally decided to pivot and move forward, I set this unattainable idea I’ll accomplish all these goals and skills. In the end, I didn’t really do much. If you asked me to, I couldn’t trace where I spent my time. It evaporated with every tick of the clock. I emerged from the strict quarantine with nothing to show for it and I have so much shame in that. I gluttonized TV and poured over news articles and online websites ordering clothes to wear out in some future. I beat myself up over my supposed lack of accomplishments. And only now, months later, am I allowing myself to be okay with that and settle in.
It was hard to witness other people write a book, master a skill, or produce art. Limited on activities, I succumbed to social media and that’s just a huge comparison game at this point for me. I think it’s a prevalent generational issue. In your twenties you’re no longer on an even playing field, everyone is doing their own thing, but you still have the mindset of comparing. I won’t lie, I’ve crept on various peers from high school, exclaiming “how are THEY engaged” or “they’re on their second child”. I’m not even near close to a boyfriend, let alone a viable date.
Navigating relationships and dating…I absolutely struck out. I was irritated that this is a time in my life when I’m ideally going out on dates and meeting all sorts of fun and new people. A pandemic is a perfect way to thwart that. Bumble and Hinge don’t quite fill the void either (nor should they). I like to think that I’m above average on the rejection front, but maybe I found my limit in 2020. I got ghosted so many times. That sucked because there is absolutely no explanation and you’ve maybe met/interacted with this person once so there isn’t much at stake, but it still stings. At a point, you begin to take it personally. It hurts. Rejection is painful because you’re being vulnerable, putting yourself out there and someone said no. I’m attempting to subscribe to the idea of rejecting fear instead of letting my fear of rejection take over. And I also realized that all I was looking for was someone new to talk to and I’m probably seeking human connection in all the wrong places.
Social interactions and connections were strained as well!!!! I had a lot of friend “issues” and I like to typically think of myself as easygoing (I don’t know, maybe I’m completely off base…if so, y’all, tell me). I am absolutely envious of you if you claim that you did not have a friendship or relationship fall apart or change or fumble, even if it were only for a brief moment. The worst is realizing you’re not a priority in someone’s life, though as we know, people’s minds were a little preoccupied in 2020. Still, conflict is a difference in communication. And I tried my best to mend. I spoke up. It did make a difference on a few occasions. Most of the time nothing changed which is sad. I’m STILL grieving the loss of some friendships that ended and trying to come to terms with it. That it was nothing, in particular, namely time and who we are as people and naturally growing apart. The only plus side is there is now more room for new friendships to grow. Remember to keep the people who show up for you close, they matter more than you think. And do the same for them, they'll appreciate it.
Though, I will say, as a gross generalization, people were OFF. I was off. I felt like people were absolutely losing their minds and being cruel. I got accused of catfishing (like I would waste my time posing as someone else) and called a shitty friend. Mental health was fragile this year. Each day felt arduous. Society itself was volatile and cynical. I felt gaslit more than I would like to admit and I started having panic attacks again which I have not had in YEARS. At many points, I had surges in nihilism and feelings of “what is the point”. I’ll venture that navigating mental health in a pandemic isn’t fun, but it is highly necessary. I’m constantly seeking out new tactics to assuage my mind. Therapy has been my tether of sanity. To dump my thoughts and feelings onto a third perspective without judgment and receive objective commentary and solutions is unparalleled. If you have the ability and means, I cannot recommend therapy enough. I’m at constant odds with myself and this one hour a week allows me to dissect and observe, instead of internalizing. The plasticity of human resilience is remarkable. Ironically, the nice thing (I guess????) is that everyone now feels more open to discussing mental health. Maybe because we’re all feeling a little more vulnerable and have been softened by the pandemic.
I think a fair amount of my mental struggles stem from online personas. I took a brief social media hiatuses at various intervals. So the funny thing is, you don’t miss anything. Three weeks had passed off those apps and I felt the same (yet my screen time was significantly down). Social media feels like screaming into the void and posting is for a hit of dopamine and validation from “friends”. I say “friends” because you haphazardly keep up with them by their posts. I’m not removing myself from that, I do it too. I’m not above any of this. I keep logging on to Instagram and for what? What divine change is going to occur on there?
I’m fully aware that there has been so much emphasis on the bad. Some bright spots:
Favorite albums of the year (in no particular order)
Women in Music Pt. III by HAIM
Color Theory by Soccer Mommy
Folklore by Taylor Swift
Future Nostalgia by Dua Lipa
Shore by Fleet Foxes
Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers
Modus Vivendi by 070 Shake
The Slow Rush by Tame Impala
Sawyama by Rina Sawyama
This Front Room by Racoma
Little fragments of peace came from the unlikeliest places. I inadvertently completed goals I set out to accomplish like calling my grandparents weekly. Even simpler than that were the nuances of the day to day; spotting a ten-foot skeleton in a yard for Halloween decorations, dancing in my living room, listening to Fleetwood Mac’s Rumors on repeat exclusively on Friday’s (Fleetwood Friday’s), home happy hours with the roommates, strolling to get ice cream in the chilly weather, receiving film back, floating on my swan, falling back into writing, seeing larches for the first time, receiving a surprise FaceTime call. Innocent, innocuous moments.
We made it, somehow and I learned a lot. I learned about myself, specifically, what I don’t like about myself, which I think is often neglected. Nothing is guaranteed; your job, your health, the people around you. 2020 problems are here to stay. We just have to deal with them and move on. The problems you avoided, are going to sabotage your 2021 unless you consciously decide to deal with them. But if 2020 taught us anything, for the love of God, please just be nice. I hope if you’re reading this you call someone and catch up or pay for your friend’s coffee or the stranger behind you in line. Do some good. I’m going to try my best in 2021 because that’s all I can give. There are bright spots. The days slip away marked only by the notion that maybe we’re one day closer to being out of this thing. The virus stripped us of the shield we were cowering behind, hiding the ugly truth of a lot of social and systemic issues. I put this out on the internet to get it out of my system and into the world, to free these words from my thoughts. Take it with a grain of salt; I’m mad, sad, angry, shocked, annoyed, confused, bottled up into a slurry of mortal bewilderment. Just be a good human, please. I know we’ll be okay. As okay as we can be.
My hopes for 2021…I am cautious for this year. I don’t want to have too many expectations, I just want it all to be a little better. Maybe I’m being cynical, but a lot of things don’t really matter as much as we think they do. I’m going to try and appreciate where I’m at and just exist. Saying less and doing more. My motto for the year is “doing things” while attempting to embrace more spontaneity in hopes of creating a million miles worth of memories. I’m using the following Bukowski poem as a guide to embrace change, evolve, and transform. But please look out for each other and yourself. I hope you have a sublime 2021.
No Leaders Please
invent yourself and then reinvent yourself,
don’t swim in the same slough.
invent yourself and then reinvent yourself
and
stay out of the clutches of mediocrity.
invent yourself and then reinvent yourself,
change your tone and shape so often that they can
never
categorize you.
reinvigorate yourself and
accept what is
but only on the terms that you have invented
and reinvented.
be self-taught.
and reinvent your life because you must;
it is your life and
its history
and the present
belong only to
you.
Charles Bukowski