2021 - Way Too Fun
2021 was way too fun. I have some hesitancy in asserting that given the unsurmountable loss of the collective world experience. For my year, chaos was truly in the air and I tried to sit with the absurdity of the moment as best as I could.
Random memories from the year:
Going to Stoup nearly every day to fill a punch card, all in hopes of getting a hat
Double Guam
A second date on Whidbey island which happened to fall on this guy’s 30th birthday
A bluebird snowshoeing day at Artist’s Point
Achieving toe side in snowboarding
Raccoons encounters (mostly at the expense of Leigha)
Pasta nights (these will be coming back)
King’s, obviously
Volunteering at the Ballard food bank
Repotting my monstera
Killing my monstera
SNOW in February
Trying cross-country skiing
Frankie and Jo’s dates
Getting vaccinated
Blitz
Gina being the only person to pick Baylor
Trying to convince a Miami drug lord to buy us drinks
Hibiscus slushy margaritas
Buying two disco balls for no particular reason
Flying to Hawaii on a Tuesday
My first sounders game
Sleeping with icepacks
Watching the Kraken expansion draft from Lauren’s paddleboard
Shooting an engagement
Becoming a studio manager
Rediscovering my love of those shitty ice cream sandwiches
Taking myself on my first solo hike!
Attending an RV rave
Being called Britta
Standing in line for 45 min to go into the Seattle glossier
Anna almost missing our flight to San Francisco
Four back to back concerts right after a full weekend at a music festival
Getting boosted
Brewsgiving
Rami coercing me into hosting his birthday party
Appreciating the unparalled value of Capri Suns
Pro bono photoshoots
2022 MUSIC favorites
Music felt like it significantly improved across the board. Maybe forced isolation allowed for more art to be made. My favorite albums in no particular order (except for Dijon, his album was my favorite):
Absolutely by Dijon
Collapsed in Sunbeams by Arlo Parks
Temporary Highs in the Violet Skies by Snoh Aalegra
Jubilee by Japanese Breakfast
Loving in Stereo by Jungle
Any Shape You Take by Indigo de Souza
Better Days by Mina Okabe
I Don’t Live Here Anymore by The War on Drugs
Somewhere by Sun June
Star-crossed by Kacey Musgraves
Times by SG Lewis
Valentine by Snail Mail
Call Me If You Get Lost by Tyler, the Creator
Heaux Tales by Jasmine Sullivan
An Anecdotal Account of 2021
I felt like the year was a blur, as it seems to be with every coming year. The limitations of 2020 brought eagerness to conduct any activity to a boiling point. For that reason alone, 2021 became go go go. I would ask myself: what could I scheme? How can I accomplish that? And not even question if it was even a possibility. I was willing to push the limits of feasibility and dared to conjure the most ridiculous ideas arising to the challenge of making them a reality.
2021 began with renewed optimism. A focus on goals because I had not procured anything of note in 2020. I quickly dived into reading again and for that I’m grateful. That was a piece of my life I was happy to regain. There was the conception of pasta nights with my own ego of weekly hosting standing in the way of accomplishing that goal (I was far too ambitious with that one). I didn’t quite set myself up for success, but I dared to try. I went backpacking for the first time, and that was another box that I quickly checked. I was riding a high, feeling as if things had finally turned a corner with the prospect of vaccines hovering over us and the promise of warm spring weather nearing.
Life took a melancholic turn with the sudden passing of my grandfather. Lolo’s health quickly declined and resulted in my first close death. I’m grateful to have spent 25 years with him, but in short, it was traumatic how fast one’s health can deteriorate. The speed and severity coupled with close-knit family ties made it all the more heartbreaking. It was a pivotal point in the year for me. Pre- and post-death timestamps are significant markers and color how my demeanor changed. I withdrew and chose to be numb. I was a blank slate, a blob moving through daily obligations. Earnestly, I don’t know if I fully processed his passing; it was swift and the only solace I could grasp was through pictures and discovering more about the man I thought I knew and the legacy he left behind. Devoting extra days to help arrange affairs and ultimately be together as a family was invaluable, but I was relieved to travel to D.C. and visit Emma H. in her new home. To solely be with someone who knew me, but I was not related to. Those days in D.C. were grounding…and boozy (I blacked out at brunch), but most importantly, full of unadulterated fun, something I so badly needed at that moment.
I think I started to take the approach of “if not now, when?” with such an event and decided to pull the trigger on Hunter and Ann’s Maui invitation. Emma H. came home from work and asked how my day had been to which I replied “Great! I booked a flight to Hawaii 3 weeks from now” and I’m sure she thought “Oh God, is she okay??”.
I went back to Seattle and reacquainted myself. Cristin visited for a weekend, which always is a promotion for chaos to ensue. I turned 26. It was one of the best birthdays I’ve had in a while. Shortly after, our family dog Cookie’s health declined and we had to put her down. I highly recommend avoiding goodbyes via Facetime. Then, a few days later, I jetted off to Hawaii. Like I said before I don't know what business I had flying into Hawaii on a Tuesday for a mere four days, but I believe that trip kicked off a lustful, unspoiled summer.
Summer was insane. We were trying to figure out how to do it all. And we were doing it by HEMORRHAGING money. We took the reins for Julia’s birthday and I took it upon myself to build a balloon arch just because. Lauren and I executed a weekend trip to Chelan. Anna and Emma C. dragged Lauren and me camping to escape the impending heatwave. OYSTERS. I tried to eat oysters every week despite it being the conventional offseason. There were trips to the east coast and home. Happy hours. Lake days to mitigate the ungodly heat Seattle isn’t equipped for. The serendipitous absurdity that was the Fourth of July weekend - four straight days of partying: a pop-up party, return to Neumos dance party, barge party day one, and barge party day two, ending with us eating Dick’s burgers in the back of a pickup with one of our favorite singers. Bands and singers returned to the venues. Monday’s were reserved for mahjong. Our humble abode was reserved for weary travelers making their way through town (it felt like we whipped the air mattress out every two weeks). Baseball games where all we did was really drink. Hikes in the shadow of Mt. Rainier. Runs around green lake. Photobooths. Birthdays now that we were all vaccinated. Engagements, celebrations, reunions. Summer was a brief sigh of relief, ending with the annual pilgrimage to the Gorge after a two-year hiatus to see Tame Impala. This paragraph is ridiculous because it only scratches the surface of what we accomplished. Summer was bliss.
With the foreshadowing of summer, fall spiraled out of control. Every. Single. Weekend. We went out. Thursday and Friday, the group texts would light up with “what’s the plan”. There was nothing wholesome about the fall. Each weekend’s theme was “degenerates”. Beginning with Outside Lands, Gina deemed it the start of “carcass weekends” because we were truly shells at that point. I was back on my every other week travel bullshit, bopping to Pennsylvania & DC, NYC, SF, and Colorado, sprinkling catch-up sessions and concerts with every free evening.
Then, all of a sudden, December arrived and it was one that we were supposed to remember and it was in ways I didn’t expect. Omicron had other plans and I got COVID right before Christmas. My last day of quarantine was Christmas day, so I had a little solo Christmas which I’d never choose to do again, but it was quaint and cute. Ironically, I could not believe it got me now given all the previously listed activities I had gotten up to, but, hey, that’s the beauty of vaccines!! Get yours if you haven’t because who cares about protecting yourself, you’re protecting others who may not be able to get vaccines or who are immunocompromised and keeping yourself out of the hospital, keeping healthcare workers from being overworked and inundated with patients, and freeing up hospital space for elective surgeries. Also, get your flu shot if you haven’t, it falls in the same category. We’re almost out of this pannacotta. Anyway, quarantine was fortunately lit and it was forced downtime. I exited quarantine to one final snowfall of the year and managed to make it to LA with no flight delays, a tiny miracle in itself. I flew back to Seattle for NYE to witness the final sunset of the year and start 2022 with friends.
2021 in Review
2021 demonstrated to me that life is short. The death of my grandfather and Cookie left me more devastated than I thought; their passing left me with a chasm I wasn’t prepared to fill and learned that that’s a chasm you never need to fill. I can still hear how he would say my name when he was trying to be funny (grey-TAH). Cookie’s death came as I finally felt like I had made progress with dealing with Lolo’s. That was defeating. They both lived full and loving lives and for that I’m grateful, but it’s sometimes hard to find solace in that.
It’s all so brief - it is a privilege to have the opportunity to grow old. With that thought, I don’t want to spend it waiting around for the right time. If the opportunity is presenting itself, it is the right time. At times, it felt like I had a cloud of despair looming over me. That darkness was a shroud inhibiting the joyous moments. I felt like it clung to me and I tried my best to suppress it by diving into life. Maybe I filled my time with so many activities to make sure I kept moving forward and focused. Or distracted. It sure as hell made it more memorable and bearable as we navigate this hellscape. Then again, it's such a privilege to be able to turn away from the plights of every day, even if briefly.
I guess I was selfish because I had to be for self-preservation. I did it all to make myself feel better. To ensure I live a full life. To grasp every experience I can because nothing is guaranteed. With that, I learned more about myself than I have ever before. The past two years have expedited facets of life, and I feel as though I’ve become more of who I want to be.
It took me three years of therapy to even think about adopting some healthy habits and coping mechanisms. THREE YEARS. I learned that uncertainty is one of the sources of my anxiety. I learned how and when to rest. I learned that I isolate and shut out the whole world when it all gets to be too much for me. I even printed out a feelings wheel to succinctly assign a specific adjective to describe what emotion I am feeling and noticed how it has helped me immensely.
In my therapy sessions, I often confide my anxieties around dating, namely, complaining about dating. After a significant period of feeling ostracized and undesirable, I have finally arrived at being comfortable in singledom. I assigned blame to myself since the common denominator was me in these failed ventures. I came to the realization that I’ve been selling myself short, in what I deserve, and in my own abilities. Though it feels as if I waste time with a failed relationship, I can appreciate the special time I had with them and assess what I liked about them and hope to find in a future partner. Also, my god, direct and honest communication makes a difference. Some of these men out here don’t know how to deal with confrontation, but that’s a gripe for another day.
I have now been in Seattle for eight years. I’m actually so happy with where I’m at. For the longest time, I felt like I was on borrowed time, claiming “I’ll probably move next year, I’ll try something new”. Now, I’m not sure I want to move just yet. I still would like to live elsewhere, to say I tried for two years or so, but when? Who truly knows.
One of the largest motivation factors to not move away quite yet is because of the support system I’ve been able to create. The most humbling epiphany I had in 2021 is how paramount friendships are. The single factor determining the spectrum of potential fun to be had was defined by the people around me. I have never been more appreciative of my friends. Being my friend comes at the price of putting up with loathsome fantasies and inevitably being asked for a ride to or from the airport (I want the record to show that I do return the favor, you simply must ask), so sometimes I wonder how I have retained my circle…
Ultimately, what prompted this discovery was a reflective moment where I was assessing the weeks of fall and questioning why it was SO FUN. I came to the conclusion that it was simply because I was being a dipshit with my friends.
This is a really rare, unique time. Though the world is somehow becoming smaller (for better or worse; I have this uncanny knack to run into exes or running into friends on dates), as you get deeper into your twenties, your priorities steadily change. Obligations and life begin to get in the way and sometimes friendships fall to the wayside. There are all the societal pressures that beckon to us, but I’ve been encouraged to focus on friends. Friends are a constant and we bring them with us through life. This is an important time to nurture those friendships, and I think especially for myself, to foster female friendships. There is an unspoken vitality and camaraderie for women in their late twenties that is invaluable to our development.
I think in 2020 I knew I was surrounded by love, but this year I truly grew to appreciate it. Somehow, I have managed to meet and make more new friends than ever before and this is despite the limitations of the pandemic and amongst new and old, being shown an immeasurable amount of unsolicited kindness. One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received demonstrates this sentiment the best:
Friends will come and go, but the good ones stick. Value them. And while your family will always come first, never lose sight of those friends that have seen you through some of life’s rough spots. You will need them again, and they, you.
At times, 2021 tested my abilities. Through the good and bad, my friends rallied around me, and I truly do not think they can comprehend how much that means to me.
Hopes for 2022
Ah, there is a laundry list of wishes, but I’ll keep it brief. I think for me, 2022 is all about growth and choosing to move on to the next joyful thing. That includes less time-consuming and more time creating. It’s moving towards people who make me feel whole and good and free and comfortable, who make me laugh, who constantly show up for me. In regards to dating, we’ll just see what happens. I’m having so much fun right now and I want someone who will fit into that lifestyle. Will I find someone? Who knows. I guess right now I’m learning what I truly want and allowing what I consider love to be to evolve.
2021 was about writing the rule book and 2022 is the time to reinvent it. I came to realize that there’s not really a playing field anymore. It’s a free-for-all, so go after what you want. In some ways, it’s a lawless land where anything goes and who knows where it will lead you. I often get bogged down in what I have yet to accomplish as I notice my peers excel and grow. I have so much more to give and time to sow. A multidimensional person is something to aspire to be, but titles aren’t meant to be badges to be collected, they are something you grow into overtime. The only course of action is to take action for me and trust the timing and uncertainty because it truly does work out in the end.
Amongst these fleeting moments, I get overwhelmed. Is this actually happening? I want it all to slow down!!!! So much has happened, then again, not much. It’s a strange chapter of life - we’re too young to be rushing yet too old to be waiting.
I hope to continue to celebrate the little wins. I hope to continue to create the world I want to be a part of. I hope to release my fear of rejection.
Above all, I hope to find the magic, even the tiniest bit, in every single day, because life continues on and begins to flourish if you let it be.