2019
Good riddance. Just kidding. More of a WOW or WHOA.
To just kick it off, there are just so many memories, here’s the laundry list:
Spending New Years with family in LA
Flying back from LA and heading straight to Rhino Room hahaha
Riding the viaduct one last time - a harrowing experience
Leavenworth Day Trip
Impromptu weekend in Portland
Proper dim sum and eating my first chicken foot - shoutout to Crystal
Ice skating
Snowy Seattle
A cabin with my best friends from college
Galentine’s Day party
A trip to San Francisco
Throwing a stranger party - can easily be argued as a low as well
Attending an extravagant gala in LA
Vancouver
Tennis Tuesdays
Seeing my two favorite boats from Deadliest Catch
Las Vegas
Photography for a food event
Bonfires at Golden Gardens
Trips to the Ballard Farmer’s Market
Another stranger party
A trip to Victoria
Volunteering for the Center for Wooden Boats
A childhood friend’s marriage
Rooftops in the summer
Friends graduating from college
Little Gina graduating from UCLA!!
Getting really drunk at the Anderson.Paak concert
Singing and dancing at the Fremont Solstice Parade
Karaoke
Montreal and Quebec
Celebrating the Fourth of July with a crawdad boil
Outdoor movie night
A self-guided beer tour
Catching up with friends from college
Capitol Hill Block Party and attaining a press pass
Annual day trip
Dinner on the dock
Sailing on Lake Union and eating chicken and drinking wine on the boat
The Bon Iver album
Kayaking Lake Union
Floating on a swan
Exploring Vashon Island
UW football games
Nights at King’s (my favorite bar)
Bon Iver at the Gorge
Fremont Oktoberfest
Not accepting that summer was over
New roommates
Chicago
My cousin getting married
Another trip to SF
A spur of the moment trip to Philly
Surprise birthday for my best friend
Another trip to SF
Another trip to LA
My first NFL game
Seeing the nutcracker and also realizing the barbie nutcracker was the only context I had in the first place
Holiday parties
Wine Wednesdays
Spending time with family and friends who I have known for 19 years
Snow in Colorado
An upgrade to first class on my final flight of the year
A cabin to ring in the new year
We came up with the “commandments of our twenties”, they are as follows and are truly something to live by:
Power moves only
White Claw only
Kings only
Rooftops only
Free drinks only
White boy level confidence only
Candid moments only
Street hotdogs and tots only
Rally despite ALL odds only
Good times only
Finally, these were some of my favorite albums in no particular order*:
Bon Iver
Anderson.Paak
James Blake
Shy Girls
Maggie Rogers
Better Oblivion Community Center
Snoh Aalegra
Emotional Oranges
Vampire Weekend
Clairo
*had Kaytranada come out with his album earlier than December, it would probably be in this top ten of 2019
2019 was so many things. I try to do a recap in some capacity and this has taken me some time to organize my thoughts and produce something coherent. This year was the Wild West, vast and unpredictable. As a generalization, I can confidently say that it consisted of tons of laughter, tons of crying, tons of “what the actual fuck” moments, and an absurd amount of ice cream. It was extreme personal growth, letting go, not giving a fuck, and developing more emotional intelligence. I was able to establish a foundation, but I still have a lot to accomplish. However, I’ve developed in more ways than I count.
At the start of the year, I was lost. Under the guise of dark days, under house arrest on my own accord, figuring out a balance of working from home and by myself; countless days of not leaving the house (being pushed to by Leigha and Soleil because they could see that I had cabin fever). I was constantly being consumed by the dread of the future, by people moving, by the unknown. Anxious and depressed (social media acts as a great veil to conceal this). I almost had a panic attack over my Moleskine journal being navy instead of black (the most Greta sentence you will probably ever read - I love the navy now, and I’m not even kidding, this actually did happen, an indicator of my mental state at the time). I could not have predicted ANY of the events of 2019. I don’t think anyone could. Life is unpredictable.
I don’t think I have cried, laughed, dreamed so much before. I finally realized how much love I am surrounded by. How much support there is. I have never been so vulnerable and reckless. I have never surrounded myself with so many people - incredible, cool, unique, hilarious, remarkable, crazy, and wild people who share similar values and interests, yet consistently push and encourage me to improve. I have never traveled this much - I took eighteen trips this year (my poor credit card). I have never consumed so much alcohol - specifically White Claws and Rainiers (my poor liver). I have never taken so many photos to document the moments - and these are truly the moments whether we want to acknowledge that or not (please someone, show my future kids that I was fun sometimes!!!!). I have never experienced so many emotions and actually acknowledged them rather than putting them away in a drawer labeled DO NOT TOUCH. I’ve never been in this much pain - emotional and physical (holla at the strep throat three times this year). I have never been this immersed in life. I have never taken this many chances. I have never been this outspoken and stood up for myself and what I believe in. I’ve never had this much confidence.
Spring centered around the prospect of nice weather and crazy ideas. Summer was astonishing and cruel. Cruel in the sense that it had been so good; untamed chaos perpetuated by our futile grasps at holding onto our youth as we grow well into our twenties. We were carefree, dominated by the willingness to do the ridiculous against all odds. There were shimmering skies, gleeful happy hours, rays of sunshine, and regretful shots of God knows what. The endless stories and memories - oh the memories which are cemented in feelings that we can only now emulate, never replicate. I hope I can tell my kids about Summer 2019 and covey the blithe attitude that dictated our lives and lead to adventures. The screams, the laughs, the tears, the cheers. The sounds and smells of summer. The goodbyes.
At the back of my head was always the notion of everyone leaving. It began to take hold of my mental space and I constantly thought about losing people. The right ones are meant to stay. Seasonal friends will drift in and out. It isn’t as sad as I had made it out to be, but fall was hard. The cadence of autumn was a true season of change, literally and emotionally. Transitions and shifts cloaked the vibrant change of leaves in the PNW. I previously stated September had been shitty, and it was only because it hadn’t been as grand as the previous months, which is a bit of a disservice. I’m scared to let it all go. I was scared (and am a tad still).
At the very end of 2018, I wrote:
It’s hard to say: “hey, I’m not happy…I feel alone, I feel lost. It’s easier to say it over the internet, there’s anonymity or you can erase it. It’s vulnerable to say it to a face”.
I completed one full calendar year of therapy and it has allowed me to navigate these troubling situations. I had some of the best days of my life this year. I also had some of the worst.
Can you believe that the Game of Thrones finale was this year and it was THAT atrocious? That was a definite low. I also blacked out for the first time - another tragic low (THANK GOD I have understanding and kind friends who find humor in it, I was absolutely mortified. It’s a funny story, ask me about it sometime). Countless deep, personal conversations. HARD conversations. Uncomfortable conversations. Tons of mistakes and big fuck ups. Great opportunities to assess, learn, and grow. Starting the year, I decided I don’t want to feel like this big ball of meh. I don’t want to be idle. I don’t want this false sense of connection. It’s all still a big work in progress, the other week I had a full-on breakdown - crying, nay SOBBING for 1.5 hours. Life’s tough that’s for sure, but I’m trying. I have so much to be grateful for and I’m quite lucky, but there is always something nagging, removing me from the moment. Nearly a year later, I cried on my walk one morning because, despite all that has happened, I finally realized for a moment how happy I was.
This year was colored with people. I met some of the greatest people you will ever know. I reconnected with old friends. I created new friendships. I conspired to bring everyone together as much as humanly possible. You probably heard me yell SQUAD UP on so many occasions and force you into a group picture. On paper and social media, it appears as though I’m living, and I am, but again I put the best other. It has taken me YEARS to get to this moment. Countless days prodding, dealing with disappointments, reconciling, and being patient. When I moved to Seattle, I never felt like I belonged. It felt more like I was bouncing around and didn’t know my place. I guess that’s your early twenties, a lot of searching. Little did I know that I was cultivating. My therapist always reminds me “it sounds like you’re exactly where you need to be” and for the first time I’m am starting to believe that. I don’t think anyone understands how much joy it brings me to see my friends all together.
Make the effort to get together. I want to support my friends, they are the ones I have chosen. Someone told me that they would drive two hours to see me because I always make an effort and I will never forget that moment, what an honor. Find people who will drive you to the airport, build a dresser for you, sit with you in complete silence because you are at that level of comfort. Find people that care about you and hold you accountable and make an effort to see you. Always show up for them and watch out for each other.
How a year can change a lot.
A myriad of life lessons were bestowed upon me: Boys are stupid! Boundaries. Shifts in mindset. Indulgence in life. Transforming, reconciling, plotting, questioning, LIVING.
I look at myself a year ago and think about that girl. She was meek and timid and struggling and fragile. If anything, 2019 has been humbling - with every twist and turn - and a surge in my self-confidence. I’m not sure it was always there and merely unearthed, or simply a swell in momentum. Regardless, it has been empowering to speak up for myself and care less overall about what people think of me.
I did, however, receive some of the greatest compliments that I will cherish: I admire your enthusiasm for life; you have some amazing friends - I think you have a great judge of character; I think you’re cool as fuck.
I made astounding revelations about who I am and want to be. We’re all just trying to figure it out. We all have a lot of growing up to do, and we do it at different speeds in different areas of life. I want to stop stating “it’s fine” when everything is in fact not fine. I decided that I want more out of life than this. I want to be the person in the room having the most fun. I realized we have to watch out for each other and help when we can.
Take a minute to process. Trust your gut. Ask for advice from trusted advisors - listen to the people who truly listen to you, hear you, and are patient. Hold your tongue and listen. Foster your interests. Do what you want (within reason / without harming yourself and/or other). NO ONE CARES. Make time for people. Be kind to others and yourself.
It’s a new chapter. A new decade.
I realized (and hope!!) in this next decade I’ll probably get married, most of my friends will get married, get settled into a career, maybe go back to school and maybe even start a family - weird. It’s funny how things work themselves out. Fate is a funny yet erratic friend. A ton of uncertainty. Loads of unknowns.
This was the best articulation I could muster. So let’s go out into the world and make something great in 2020.
Cheers.