This is 25
Hey y’all welcome to my quarter-life crisis, yeah it’s a pandemic.
I had grand plans months ago in anticipation of a quarter of a century celebration. Me being the Pinterest bitch and party planner I am, I wanted to go full out and stretch it over a few days filled with concerts and outings, capped off by a trip to Mexico City with friends. Back in March, when COVID was spreading, I naively thought “surely this will be over by then” and we’ll be back to “normal” as I’m sure we all thought. March was ravaged by COVID, April slipped away, and now I’m apart of the quarantine birthday club.
I haven’t written much in a while, though I am keeping a quarantine journal that semi-helps track the days since most of the time they’re indistinguishable. Being in quarantine - as all of us are - has forced a subliminal retrospection. I’ve been scouring through old photos and kicking myself for not being more organized, flipping through old journals of notes and doodles, and rereading past blog posts. Take a trip down (my) memory lane of birthday posts and witness my atrocious writing evolution. It’s definitely better now, well sort of…. I don’t really know.
From what I gather from my 24th birthday post, I had a curiosity going into 24; a general discomfort for my trajectory at 23, hoping that this year would shine some light in a clear direction. I don’t think I got that. Maybe I did and I just don’t know it yet, and that’s okay. Soleil asked me what my greatest accomplishment from 24 was…I honestly think it was being open to sharing my emotions with people who will thoughtfully listen and, just overall, leaning on my support system for help. I’ve gained more empathy, compassion, and patience which has allowed me to grow far beyond my years.
In Summer ’19 I wrote, “it’s a bit selfish because I want these moments forever”. MY GOD that depicts 24 in its brilliance. 24 has offered so many experiences and memories I want to bottle up and place on a shelf for years and years to admire. I found someone special. I took the time to be vulnerable. I took the time to be absolutely reckless. I had an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude for a while and took bold chances. I lost myself in music. I traveled far and wide to familiar and distant places. Then a fucking pandemic hit and we retreated inside. It’s been tough, and I recognize I’m in one of the best situations you could be in, AND IT’S STILL TOUGH.
24 was humbling. There is much more to learn. This last year of life flew by, and it doesn’t seem to slow down anytime soon. I’m startled by how quickly the twenties have gone. It’s simultaneously felt like it’s been an eternity since I turned 20 or 21, yet I’m in disbelief how I’m halfway through this decade of life. Well, as the years start coming they don’t stop coming as Smash Mouth crooned (yeah, I can’t believe I just did that either).
On the last day of 24, I spent most of the day by myself. Normally, I’d think that to be kind of sad, but it was great to have solitude. Aaron dropped off brownies and stayed for chitchat; Anna, Emma, and Sharon (hey, look there’s your shoutout Liddane) threw me a birthday gathering with decor and a bar; and Hailee and I rang in my birthday by watching The Hills, plus she iced me twice.
As I’ve done in past years, these are a few of my favorite things:
Albums/Music: Bubba by KAYTRANADA and i, i by Bon Iver
Books: The last book I read was Where the Crawdads Sing and I’m currently reading On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous
Breakfast: I still don’t even know why I put this in here….but a veggie egg scramble with pickled onions
Clothing: Nothing truly changes…I only wear Madewell
Restaurants: Sawyer, Westward, and FlintCreek Cattle Co.
Bars: King’s Hardware hands down as you all probably know….I got there at least once a week. I’d say The Mountaineering Club, Duck Island, and Stampede also are on there.
Dessert: Frankie & Jo’s (again)
25 is a significant marker and the past years’ lessons and morals have been paralleled, nay been amplified, by quarantine, further shedding light on the idiosyncrasies I value.
Life is about nameless moments, noticing the details of every day. On my quarantine walk, I saw these two little girls on the corner hosting a lemonade stand, the flowers in bloom, and people passing by - that stuff is so wholesome. I’m reminded to constantly find the good things in a bad day, and it’s alright to have really bad days too.
These are the things that matter. I got so caught up in minor disturbances that seemed HUGE. I read old posts and my god how cynical I was!!! Even for some of the years I deem stellar now, I wrote “wow how terrible this year was” - I don’t recall much of that. I was looking back at old pictures with Josh and commenting on how unaware of how bad my acne was, and he simply replied “I don’t remember that all”…. he only remembered how much fun we had had on the hike despite it being fourteen miles. We laughed at how terrible we looked in the picture.
There’s a lot of regret. I used to be ashamed of a lot things because society told me to be. Ashamed that I don’t use my Biology degree. Ashamed that I have never had a boyfriend. Ashamed of how I look. Ashamed of what people think of me. Ashamed that I feel lost sometimes. People gave me to (not explicitly but implied) well intentioned nudges in the wrong direction because “it’s what you’re supposed to do”. None of that has fully washed away, but I now try to follow my own instinct with the aid of trusted advisors.
Jacob asked me the other day if I was sad that I wasn’t applying to medical school. I confidently said that that’s not my direction, that’s not my path. I felt comfortable with that. I’ve had this discomfort for what I’m supposed to be doing. The should’s. Hyper-concerned with what other people are doing. Trying to make 30 under 30 list. There’s an overarching aura of feeling like I’m supposed to be somewhere. In the twenties, everything is novel and there are few responsibilities. The best way to cope with this is to embrace the possibilities and figure out what works and doesn’t, then move from there. Make your own path because it’s so different for everyone.
I’m still learning and observing my place in this world. I’m fortunate to have the privileges I do. This past week the Ahmaud Arbery video came to light after two months of injustice. That video was hard to watch and difficult to grasp, and really hit home because he died at 25 on a simple run - something I take for granted everyday.
I’ve learned people are important. I’m lucky to have been modeled that from my family. I distinctly remember two years ago when I was in LA for the holidays listening to my grandmother perched on the couch, phone to her ear (albeit it semi-yelling into it) for the whole morning, seamlessly switching from Tagalog and English, catching up with people and the latest gossip. I thought that was so cool, playing her matriarch role and maintaining a connection with the people important to her. You can’t neglect the people who care about you, and you’ll be able to decipher the ones that matter pretty easily.
I like to be surrounded by people. I deep dived down the rabbit hole of pictures and digital real estate to cringe at photos, squealing with every discovery of a deep rooted memory. I cried when I looked at the faces staring back at me. All of the people. All of the smiles. All of the love.
People are important. The last few years have been filled with faces. For a time, I was extremely lonely. It felt like I was floating around and I craved a solid foundation of human connection. Despite being isolated due to a PANDEMIC, I don’t even remotely feel that anymore. Trust me, I’m in dire need of a really good hug from friends and family, but I feel comfortable and at peace with myself, more connected than ever. I’m starting to recognize the way people show love. Small favors. Random cold calls (if you read this, please feel free to call me, you have no idea how much it makes my day). A little note that says “hey this reminded me of you”.
Spending time with people and fostering relationships has brought me the greatest joy over my lifetime. And, I think, that’s the biggest and most important thing I’ve learned is that I’m loved. It’s not that I didn’t ever know it, it’s that I never fully accepted it. And I think I’ve finally started to. I am surrounded by so much love grateful for it.
I hope I take these lessons with me for the rest of my life. Hailee and Molly were asking what my goal for 25 is…and I think it’s to not really have expectations. Also, please someone take me out on a boat. I want to go boating more. In all seriousness, I’m trying to trust the timing of everything. I’m bewildered by how much I have accomplished in 25 years. I’m still a chum. I’m still an idiot. I can laugh at my self more. I find joy in little everyday nuances. I hope I say “I love you” more. There are wonders of the world that never cease to amaze me, including what I am capable of. I’m humbled by all of that and grateful to be be able to recognize it. This has been a strange, yet great year and birthday.
To 25, may it be ebullient.