27.

Another trip around the sun. 26 has been nothing short of surreal.

The Annual List:

I reread my journal from the past year and HOLY COW so much has happened. We’re out here doing things. Dive into 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, and 21 for comparison if you feel inclined. Please appreciate the growth in writing, because it is truly remarkable.

Albums/Music: Absolutely by Dijon

Book: I’ve managed to accomplish my goal of reading 12 books this calendar year already! I’m in the middle of five other books (yikes), but I’m most excited about reading Bad Blood by John Carreyrou and Crying in H-Mart by Michelle Zauner 

Breakfast: Either an avocado toast or a scramble. When Emma’s not eating it from the jar, I’ll have homemade granola with yogurt. 

Clothing: Obsessed with my black and white squiggle pants

Restaurant: San Fermo, Rock Creek

Bar: Some things never change…King’s Hardware, Octopus Bar, and we’ll add Waterwheel to the list

Dessert: I have fallen off the Frankie & Jo’s obsession, but it still remains at the top

Quick Year in Review:

This year was bonkers, actually bonkers. On the travel front I went to Maui, the east coast on multiple occasions, Colorado frequently, New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Luxembourg, Zion, Mexico, and Palm Springs; that’s strictly plane travel. Every weekend it felt like there was something going on, ideas were being conjured whether it be bouncing to a concert, game-planning the night out, or getting outside. The dumbest things happened too like buying frozen soup dumplings as drunk food; Gina recommending that I watch the canoe slalom in the Olympics; Europe one weekend to running a half marathon the next; dancing at an RV rave at the Gorge; falling down the spiral staircase at a kebab shop (I still have the scar); an uptick in jello shots and karaoke nights; building a garden; picking up a photography studio job; winning March Madness pool; and volunteering regularly at the food bank. I felt like I was constantly asking myself “what am I ACTUALLY doing right now”. I’m not sure how I’ve been able to sustain all these activities, but it has been fun as hell. 

Where I’m At:

Reading through my journal feels like transporting back to another lifetime. I’m in disbelief that any of this actually happened, that it was in fact real. I look back at all of the people I met, friendships I fostered, places I traveled, experiences I had, and memories I made. I realized how truly chaotic I am. I’ve always believed that nothing is outside the realm of possibilities for better or worse and that proved to be true. 

Crème de la crème

This year was defined by people more than any other before. Friends and family colored 26. I am floored by the kindness and generosity of the people I have met, befriended, and surrounded myself with. Deep down, I always knew I would be the person who was going to visit friends wherever they are in the world whether it be Hailee in Luxembourg or Sung in NYC. What a privilege it is to bear witness to the lives they have built and welcome me into their slice of life so warmly. I thought life and friendships became harder as we splinter, but in a way, it is all the more rewarding. I am utterly speechless for how to even begin to describe it all. This is something you feel. 

Above all, I have a newfound appreciation of my friends to go along with my dumb ideas. We were doing so much on the weekends, we deemed them carcass weekends since we were shells of humans. Gina would constantly ask “do you ever just wake up with chaos in your veins?” And I could not think of a more accurate sentiment.  

26 was the fastest year yet because things were HAPPENING. Amongst my friends, we would say “I hate it here”. It is the antithesis of every fiber of my being, because I truly love it. There is no other way to sum up how incredulous we felt as to all of the crazy stories we were creating.

This past year, these currents moments, I’m not sure I will ever experience anything like this again - it feels brash to claim that. All of these dear friends I have right now, we are at the pinnacle of life before obligations and expectations weigh us down. We live close to each other. We have the energy, time, and money (we SCROUNGED in our early twenties). We KNOW each other, the tendencies, the quirks. I am astonished that I am surrounded by all these people striving every single day towards their aspirations. Everyone is SO cool! 

I have also come to realize that I am fortunate to be surrounded by so many interesting, fun, incredible people, and specifically my female friends which became apparent this year. I’ve been lucky enough to be surrounded by strong, independent women my whole life, and attribute a lot of my confidence to them and how I was raised. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve begun to realize how strong the ladies around me are and find solace and support in them. We take every opportunity to celebrate each other, any accomplishment big or small like getting into a PhD program, asking for a raise, owning a mistake, starting a new job, getting an IUD, going back to school, asking for what she wants, getting out there and dating, trying something new hobby, making goals together. They’re going after what they want, pursuing, and achieving. We continually show up for each other. We continually support each other. We continually encourage and listen and understand.

The coolest part too (my guy friends included) is that we’re all growing together and still figuring out life. We lean on each other in hard times, merge friend groups, and help each other towards our goals. I am eternally grateful for the people around me; enthralled by the many people I’ve met and grown close with. These are people I will take with me for the rest of my life.

Mental Health 

One of the most humbling epiphanies I had was connecting how much therapy has helped me grow. I am a vastly different person from who I was a mere three years ago. Maybe not different person, but therapy has allowed me take time to process emotions and think. In turn, that has allowed me to rationalize situations and overall make better decisions. I’ve been with my therapist for four years, and I am just now starting to see results! I think the biggest shift has been doing things for myself and caring less about what other people think of me. I have the confidence to go after things.

Dating

I don’t like that I feel obligated to take note of it, but somewhere down the line I think I’ll laugh about my current perils of dating. It’s bleak out there. Or it at least feels like it is. 

I read Logan Ury’s How to Not Die Alone, which sounds abysmal, but it reframed my approach to dating. Though I am dating around, with little success, I am now attempting to use it as a way to collect information for what I want in a future partner and simply get to know people. 

For the time being, I’m trying to embrace the independence that comes with being single. It is a special time. I’ll (ideally) have a committed partner at some point in the future, and though independence is still there, it’s different - shifted if you will. Right now, I am truly independent. I have no one but myself to be mindful of. I can do what I want, when I want and that is such a gift. I love taking myself on solo dates and around the city. There are times where I wish I were in a relationship, but for now, I think I’m doing okay. I’m trying to channel my energy away from obsessing over dating and towards other areas of my life. Until I find someone who understands that my love language rides to the airport, I’ll still be wading through the dating pool. It would be nice to have a more stable relationship, but, meh, I do not want to put expectations on that. If it’s meant to happen, then it will happen.

Proud LITTLE MOMENTS

I’m shocked by what I’ve been able to accomplish throughout 26. Not in the conventional sense of achievements like awards or titles, but more so in the experiences I’ve positioned myself to be ready for such as planning gatherings, mobilizing friends, fostering friendship, and traveling the world. I cannot believe all the things I’ve done: going to Hawaii and Mexico with my best friends, seeing my extended family frequently, playing tennis, running regularly, running a half marathon on a whim, Outside Lands, Coachella, hosting parties, laughing about the dumbest things. Insanity. Every day is an opportunity for something grand.

I subconsciously created and built community. College in particular, and I’d venture even my early twenties, I longed for a solid groups of friends. I have a great bit of anxiety around planning and hosting which is ironic, but my therapist always reminds me of Field of Dreams and the quote “If you build it, they will come”. That is more apparent than ever. Our little run club brought people together to run, but became exercise and social hour and honestly therapy where we would listen and talk through our problems together. Yoga Plunge has become one of the highlights of my week despite the frigid waters of the Puget Sound. There is an unspoken camaraderie that binds us together. 

Finally, I leaned into believing in my abilities and in who I am in order to confidently move through the world. I feel as though I am more self assured than ever, in what is right in what is wrong. Someone told me that they thought I had a strong sense of self and that is one of the kindest compliments I have ever received. 

For last year’s post, I wrote “Aspirations nearly always sound cheesy, but I truly hope that 26 is shimmering. It doesn’t have to be flashy by any means but filled with the tenderness of bright moments, something to stare at in awe.” I feel confident asserting that I accomplished that. 26 was shimmering.

Hopes for 27:

Releasing Fears

I want to let go of my grip on some of my fears. I CRINGE at my early birthday posts and one day I’ll look back fondly (that is not today) at how pudgy and excited and optimistic and scared I was. What I noticed in each post is that expressed some fears of the future, and I realized that I’m still scared. I’m worried about being left behind. I’m worried that I’m not achieving my full potential. 

I feel as though I’m drifting some days. I’m at a crossroads of decisions as I enter my late twenties, armed with enough information to allow me to venture down any path, to understand the benefits and drawbacks, to have a sense of the quality of life I could have, and I am paralyzed - unsure of what I truly want out of life and afraid to make the wrong choice and be filled with regret.

From what I can gather, that’s just how you feel in your twenties, and to some degree your whole life. It consumes me some days. Am I doing enough? Personal progress is difficult to focus on at times amidst all this change. This is a strange time in that peer’s roads are diverging into an array of zigzagging lines. Everyone has their own path, and as hard as I try to focus on mine, it’s hard to not glance over and be envious of their house purchase or job promotion or engagement. There are societal standards, familial expectations, personal goals, social pressures, all barking what you should do. Intuition can often be clouded, but what you envy in someone else, they may very well envy something of you. I guess it’s all about perspective and I’m trying to shift mine.

Working On It

There is a laundry list of tropes alongside my fears that I’m working on, those include: managing exceptions, taking things personally, recognizing not everyone thinks and acts the same as I do, overthinking (it’s always worse in your head than in reality!!), and accepting that you will probably never know why anyone does or says anything so there is no use in dwelling on it. Less of all that stuff and more of choosing people who choose me, doing things for myself, and nurturing my friendships. I think I’ll add embracing the fact that I’m growing up and getting older as well!

Someone told me “OH! Another year closer to 30”. Yes, it in fact is, but 30 is not a death sentence to youth. It is a privilege to grow old and life still happens after 30; you fall in love, get married, have kids, still don’t know anything, learn, volunteer, change careers, watch shitty TV, buy houses, accomplish goals. Growing closer to 30 sometimes feels like an accelerated agenda to achieve achieve achieve, otherwise you’re a failure and the idea of that is appalling. Sure 30 can serve as a great benchmark, but it doesn’t have to be the end all be all. I’m choosing (really trying) to accept the timeline I’m on and simply have fun and make the most of life. Genuinely every year yet has been my favorite because I have learned more about myself, gained new experiences, and met new people. Our society has such an aversion to aging, but it’s beautiful. Death reminds us to live.

My main focus for 27 is to continue to grow and move outside my comfort zone. This means achieve goals I’ve outlined for myself, hone in on my photography, spend less time on my phone and more living, and visit friends across the world. I do, however, want to get my shit together a teensy bit more like being on top of obligations. It’s a work in progress. In a philosophical sense, I’m also starting to ask myself more “who do I want to be?” I can be more than one thing. I am more than one thing. But what does that look like? What kind of future do I want to shape for myself?

I am not even sure how 27 would be able to top 26 (not that it’s a competition). The magnitude of chaos for 26 was truly unmatched. It would be unfair to place such expectations upon this next year; all I really want to do is to continue to have fun. I hope to continue to grow and learn and dream. Currently, it’s a blank slate with ideas here and there, so let’s see what magic we can make happen. 

I get insecure about publicly posting sometimes. It’s a form of accountability, but I also like charting the annual changes in my perspective. I guess I share it because I sometimes wish someone would be so candid with their thoughts. Thanks for reading! I hope you kind find something funny. I hope you can learn from my mistakes. I hope you know you’re not the only one still trying to figure things out, I’m right there with you, but we might as well have fun while doing it.

For 27, I want to revel in the nuanced moments like noticing the cherry blossom confetti on the sidewalk, chatting on the phone for hours, and sending handwritten postcards. I hope I dive deeper into life with photobooth pictures, dancing to live music, and executing my wild ideas. I hope I dare to try and be bold with whatever it may be. To 27, may it be grand!