I thought...

I thought...

I thought it would all be different

I thought I would have some part of it all remotely figured out 

I thought I’d go to happy hour a few times a week

I thought I’d love my job (most of the time)

I thought I’d be going out on dates every weekend

I thought I’d have weekends

I thought I’d have friends to go to dinner with all the time

I thought

I thought wrong

I thought I’d have made more progress by now

I thought I’d have a sense of what direction I want to go in

I really thought I’d have it figured out

I thought I’d stop obsessing about my weight

I thought I’d stop obsessing about the boy I like

I thought I’d have more friends

I thought I’d have my acne under control by now

I thought people would call every once in a while since they moved away from Seattle

I thought I wouldn’t spend this much time on the computer

I thought gas would be cheaper (like why is it $3.30????)

I thought I wouldn’t be this disappointed 

I thought I’d be living life

I thought I wouldn’t be this lost

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"Whether you think you can, or think you can't - you're right."

 - Henry Ford

I wrote this after having an absolute breakdown. I had a breakdown over why I was unhappy with where my life is currently at. I had all of these expectations conjured up in my head, with the only answer for all of this unhappiness being that I was solely responsible for it based off the choices I had made, which only made me cry more. And harder. 

Why did I feel this way? Why do I possess this mentality that I need to have x, y, and z while also doing a, b, and c? The answer requires some personal introspection, but I also came to the realization that it was how I prioritize my time and my activity on social media platforms. It turned from a source of everyday inspiration to a root of unhealthy obsession. You can type, edit, and post whatever your heart desires, but at the end of the day, all that really matters are your actions and how you spend your time. However, at this moment, it's a major contributing factor to my negative wellbeing.

For now, I’m bidding sayonara to my personal social media for a bit. Regulating my time on the apps and intentionally going offline. At the end of the day, it's just a digital world. I'd rather focus on what I will have after these apps are gone. 

In one of the latest TED Radio Hours called "Attention Please", host Guy Raz discusses the ramifications technological advances have on our daily lives and our capacity to focus. A modern truth: phones have taken over and we are codependent on them, stimulated by the constant ping of a notification (deep down, we all know this is sadly true). Equated to a slot machine, the endless scroll of our thumbs on our phones is basically the pull of the lever and ding of the glowing 7's across the screen. Our phones are as addicting as those silly games in Vegas. Further, the latest and greatest apps evolve with "algorithms compet[ing] for our attention" and "manipulat[ing] our behavior". 

The startling reality is nothing new, but this podcast for some reason finally put it in perspective for me. Maybe it was just good timing, eh, who knows. I do know that my attention has been strained. My attention has been swayed. 

I believe social media is inherently good, and has allowed for rapid globalization in unprecedented ways. The world is quite literally at our fingertips. I thought that I had it under control and instead has revealed my own broken infrastructure. 

I'm going to take some time to reevaluate what I’m actually interested in doing and learning - then go after it. It's weird to live in a world where there is an underlying urge to let people know that you're going to be offline. If you really want to know what I'm going to be up to, you can do it with me or follow this saltwater blog. Hopefully, I will stay up to date on my blog in some capacity, but don’t expect to see an enormous amount of activity (not that you really care; thanks for taking the time to read my this far down, and my blog in general!!!!).

Summer is here, and I intend to enjoy it by pursuing ventures I’ve been too timid to even touch.